Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
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WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.