I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
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Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Just as the prophecy foretold
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name