Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
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Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.