Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
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6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Mad Max Arctic Road
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…