The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
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Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??