Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
You Might Also Like
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
my professor scared me for a second
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.