I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺