I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
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every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.