Lmao 🤣
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[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
How wrong was this guy?
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
#Caturday
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
When you don’t understand how floors work