babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
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There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”