[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
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Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.