I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
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Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Ironic
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
catch me on valentine’s day like
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly