[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
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*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”