[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.