ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
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{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Me irl
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.