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*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
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I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.