You Might Also Like
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk