I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world