Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
pelicons
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.