The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
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LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.