Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
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[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.