My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Time for evil
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.