*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
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I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
u spoke cat all this time??????