Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
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[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are