Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
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“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
set yourself free xox
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled