Perfection.
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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*