It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
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Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
this is me
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.