Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
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My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.