Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
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If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.