doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Happy Thanksgiving
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.