No point crayon over spilled milk.
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I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
me, too, girl. me, too.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.