My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
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[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Happy thanksgiving!
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away