Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
You Might Also Like
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!