-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
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what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
only 11 steps left