Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.