My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
this is so top tier i cant
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Well, this is awkward
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.