My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
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I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*