[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.