The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
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There is no “ea” in Tim.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup