[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
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when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
*ernest hemingway voice*
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Good dog. ❤️
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
don’t we all
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
why isn’t thunder called soundning