How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!