Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
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[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
seems fine
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.