I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
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If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?