the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
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ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.