My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
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Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.