I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
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Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”