If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?