Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.