No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
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Herpes is trending, good job people
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
this is the best interaction on twitter
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that