Thursday
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[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Mornin. * use accordingly
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
This kid will have a bright future.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Phones down.
I’m not lazy
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.